Our Beethoven

Hey man.

The blog is OK. There's a BIG typo at the bottom: "Bath" instead of "bathe".
It's like some of your others in that you detail stupid things that people do- but in this case, instead of picking something that is illogical or ridiculous (i.e. Kenny Bevan hits a guy with his car and shrugs it off, or a politician pathetically calls Barnes and Noble to order his own book), you pick something that only seems like a problem for you.
Also, it's kind of a one-joker. Like, it would've been similar if it'd been titled "If Beethoven could talk to us today" and then it was one sentence: "Fuck you, cocksucking troglodytes".

Nick

That's an e-mail from my friend Nick. He is, of course, right about my post (January 2nd) being a one-note joke. However, I wanted to correct Nick's impression, and I suspect it's an impression I've probably given others, that this was my own angry comment on popular music. Not at all; popular music grows on me more all the time. And while admittedly I can be fairly angry, these days the only time I get really angry about bad music is when I can't turn it off, which is rare.
No, this post was about Beethoven, and what someone with his immense ego and bad temper would say if he knew what our culture was like and where he fit into it.
(Truthfully the post was about the phrases "vapid twadlings of garishly painted teenage concubines" and, "toneless whore voices writhing up and down the scale in sickening melismas whose sound compares unfavorably with that of my dog's bowel movements," and not much else).

I'm still thinking about Beethoven and popular music, specifically who in the world of contemporary popular music most resembles him? Who is our Beethoven? Here are a few possibilities:

The Wu-Tang Clan
The Wu-Tang are innovative and ambitious enough, but their work isn't consistent and they lack Beethoven's seriousness. It seems unlikely that Beethoven would make an appearance on Chappelle Show, let alone say "Konichiwa, bitches." (Side note: they call Raekwon "the Chef" because he cooks up all kinds of marvelous shit.)

Radiohead
As innovative and ambitious as the Wu-Tang, Radiohead is also completely without a sense of humor. However, Beethoven, as humorless as he was, did tend towards the optimistic side. Radiohead songs, which may fool you because of their often ironic titles, are frequently quite depressing.

Enya
Lacks intellectual heft.

Tim McGraw
Shares Beethoven's uncanny ability to dissect and get to the heart of a theme, though his themes are not as good. Loses points for whoring himself out to Monday Night Football, which Beethoven would never do. Never. Can you imagine if they reworked the Ninth Symphony each week to incorporate football highlights?

Colts, beauteous, godly sparks,
AFC South champions,
Drunk with fire, O Heavenly Manning,
We come unto your sacred RCA Dome.
Your audibles once again unite
That which boat parties sternly parted,
All men are made brothers
Where your perfect offense drives.

It would never work in German.

(For those who don't watch Monday Night Football, this past season at the halftime of every game they would play a highlights clip featuring Tim McGraw's heartbreaking "I Like It, I Love It," the lyrics reworked to describe the actions of the previous days football games. Apparently this was a major undertaking, and every Sunday night writers had to work furiously to get the words to Mr. McGaw so he could record them for the Monday night broadcast. And their hard work paid off in spades. SPADES. )