My Interview with Jesus

One of the most important people in history, Jesus H. Christ, since his death and resurrection at the age of 32, has been a central figure of western civilization, hero to both the righteous and the wicked, cause of wars and political movements, and the subject of countless books movies and television shows.
I spoke with at his home in West Baltimore.

Me: So Jesus, I'd like to get this one out of the way right off the bat-- I posted a blog about you a couple weeks back.

Jesus: (laughs) Yeah, I thought you might ask me about that.

Me: Were you offended by it?

Jesus: Not really. I mean, everyone always gets so worked up anytime I'm portrayed as being in any way a sexual being. People need to calm down.

Me: Do you have a sexual preference then?

Jesus: (laughs) I won't go near that with a ten foot pole.

Me: Really?

Jesus: Alright, fine. I go both ways. Let's change the subject now.

Me: Okay, what do you think about the war in Iraq?

Jesus: Well, I'm pretty much against war.

Me: Always?

Jesus: Yeah, pretty much always. So I guess I hate the war in Iraq, but I try not to be too hard on the Bush administration.

Me: I realize that you are kind of known for your compassion, but I think that's a little much even from you.

Jesus: Yeah, I mean I get mad at them too, sometimes, but then I remind myself that most of those people have serious personal issues that have shaped them into what they are. If that happens to be repulsive, well, that's not 100% their fault.

Me: What sort of problems?

Jesus: Well Rumsfeld has had syphilis since the age of 23, and it's developed to the point where he is pretty much totally crazy now. Thinks he's talking to skunks and rabbits and baby deer. And George W. is autistic. Very high function, of course.

Me: Wow.

Jesus: Oh yeah. And then there's the child abuse. Loads of that. Cheney, for example. His father used to dress him up like Snow White and peg acorns at him in the backyard.

Me: What about Condoleeza Rice?

Jesus: Actually, she doesn't really have an excuse. She's just sort of a cunt.

Me: Changing topics, what's your take on John 3:16 signs at sporting events?

Jesus: I guess I'm okay with that. I mean, if you want to invoke my heavenly father sacrificing me to save man from eternal damnation, in the hopes that a man will be able to kick a ball between two poles, well I'm not going to stop you. You'll look like a dick, but whatever.

Me: Are you my homeboy?

Jesus: Uhm, frankly? No.
Look, I find that shirt really irritating. I mean, I know I love every one, you're all my children, blah blah blah, but it's just presumptuous you know? I mean, who the fuck are you man, calling me your homeboy? Not you specifically Andrew, I mean a general you. "You" (makes quote marks in the air with his hands) don't know me. Every one thinks they know me, everyone thinks I'm their fucking homeboy. It got old years ago, let me tell you.

Me: I'm going to throw out some names, and I'd like for you to say the first word or phrase that comes to mind.

Jesus: Alright.

Me: Marcus Vick.

Jesus: Troubled young negro.

Me: Barbra Streissand.

Jesus: Narcissitic clown with the voice that makes me weep.

Me: Pat Robertson.

Jesus: Surprisingly on target much of the time.

Me: Really?

Jesus: No, I was fucking with you.

Me: Well I'd like to thank you for taking time to speak to me, Jesus.

Jesus: That's It?

Me: Yeah, that's all I got.

Jesus: Wow, I can't believe it's done so soon. It's been a pleasure.