The other day two young Mormons knocked on my door, and I ended up engaging them in a discussion about my religious beliefs. I tried to avoid this, but Mormons are crafty. Sure, they looked dumb standing there, all pale with their big brown eyes and bad yellow teeth, but that's what they wanted me to think. I'm embarassed to say I underestimated them.
I thought I could cut them off quickly and end things on my own terms, that is to say politely. So the first thing I said was "Listen, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not interested." Which seems straightforward and polite to me, but I guess door to door religious evangelism doesn't happen without some stick-to-it-iveness, and one of the Mormons, the one with the bad skin, interrupted me.
"Well fair enough, but would you mind if we ask you just a few questions?"
Which is where a more assertive person would have said, "Yes I mind," but I didn't say that. I said "Uhh." "Uhh" is appparently an invitation to continue.
"Do you believe God loves you?" The zitty Mormon was clearly working from a script.
"Uh, I'm kind of unsure about whether I believe in God. I do think that if there is one, nobody is going to hold it against me for getting it wrong."
"Do you go to church?"
"No." That question seemed silly; of course a person who is unsure wheteher they believe in God doesn't go to church. This seemed further proof that zitty Mormon followed a script.
"Well if Jesus Christ had a church here on Earth would you want to belong to it?"
"Uhm, well since I don't believe Jesus was the son of God, I guess not."
"So then," said the other Mormon, the one with the receding hairline who was putting things together, "you're an agnostic then?"
"Yes. I believe there are many ways to live a moral life, and you have one you like, and that's fine. It's okay that you want to share something you believe in with other people, I respect that [a lie, of course I don't]. But I don't believe the same things, and I'm not interested."
"Wow. We don't meet many agnostics around Chesterfield."
"Yeah, they mostly live in the city. It's more diverse there. Better restaurants. Culture, universities. We like stuff like that."
"Mmhmm. Well," said zitty Mormon, "I have one more question, though I guess we know the answer, haha! If I had a book that proved that Jesus Christ has a church right here on Earth would you be interested in reading it?"
"Nope."
"Okay, well--" And like a teacher giving me the answers I missed on a quiz, "This is a Book of Mormon, and it proves that Jesus does have a church here on earth, and that God does love you. Have a good day!"
"God loves you!" said balding Mormon.
"Alright, have a good day! If I ever decide I agree with any of that stuff I'll be sure to give you guys a call!"
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i found your reference to mormons as being zitty with bad yellow teeth quite contrary to my own personal experiences.
case in point:
yesterday sixteen young missionaries, all named elder, coincidentally, came into carytown burgers and fries, and they all looked like children of the corn. blonde hair, ice blue eyes, crisp clean suits and shiny nametags.
my wily coworker and i tried our best to flirt with them, just for shits and giggles. you know. leaning over the counter trying to induce unpure thoughts and all that? well, it didn't work. they were like asexual brick walls. no blushing, no smiling, no direct eye contact. what the fuck?
they didn't tip us and the cook spit in a couple of their burgers, an act which surely would have him banished to the third ring of outer hell.
on the way out they gave us a card and i wanted to ask them about mormon concepts of hell as outer space, which i understand are quite fascinating and hilarious. but instead, i held my tongue and wished them a good day.
the end.
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