Unrelated stories about Brian Elmore and Captain Beefheart

1. When I was in college I was friends with a girl who dated this spectacularly racist loser named Brian Elmore. Brian was born and raised in Petersburg, and, rather than blame his parents for settling in a shithole like Petersburg, Brian decided to look back farther in time and blame the Union Army that he says ruined that beloved city. Yes, if the Yankees hadn't invaded his homeland and forced his fore-fathers to give up their negros, Brian would be much better off. Wouldn't we all?
Brian went to William and Mary, and dreamt of one day writing stories and dialogue for comic books. Why not draw them you ask? Because, dear reader, Brian can't draw. But he is determined. Determined to create a comic book called "Strikezone." My friend summarized her boyfriend's idea for me like this--
A scientist goes back in time and changes the outcome of the Civil War by giving General Lee AK-47s. This has all kinds of historical repercussions, and the comic book series would be devoted to exploring these.
"Wow," I said. "Strange that he's so racist and crazy that he fantasizes about a parrallel universe where black people are still enslaved, but I have to admit that he's pretty imaginative."
I said this because I did not yet know that he had stolen the entire idea- lock, stock, and barrel- from a series of science fiction novels by a man named Harry Turtledove. I found that out today as I shelved in the science fiction section at Barnes and Noble, and since there were no customers in the store it was okay when I shouted "Son of a bitch!" at him.
My co-worker Natalie heard me and came to see what was the problem.
"You can't trust anyone, not even racists." I said, and lit a cigarette.

2. Today I heard a good story about a man named Captain Beefheart. I had never heard of Captain Beefheart, but he has a cool name and he was a musician in the sixties. Maybe he still is a musician, I don't know.
Like other musicians of the sixties, Captain Beefheart enjoyed using drugs, acid being his particular favorite, and when he was under the influence of these drugs he would claim to possess magical powers. For example, he would say he had the ability to see in the dark, much as a cat does.
One night Captain Beefheart dropped some acid and then decided he wanted a snack. He was at his friend's house, but his friend was busy (who knows with what, Dick van Dyke?) so Captain Beefheart had to go down to the kitchen alone.
Perhaps if you or I were on drugs and alone in a strange kitchen we would turn on the lights so we could see what we were doing, but not Captain Beefheart. That's why he was a rockstar and we are not. Captain Beefheart held the firm conviction that he could see in the dark, and headed to the pantry in pitch black.
Unbeknownst to Captain Beefheart, the friend he was staying with had several hundred pounds of yams in his pantry. These yams were getting old and sprouting stalks, as all tubers do when they are left to sit for too long. When Captain Beefheart opened the pantry door several hundred pounds of old yams fell on him, and he had to be taken to the emergency room. Not because he was crushed under the weight of the yams mind you, but because he was certain he had been attacked by an alien and it caused him to have a heart attack.