I Always Liked this One- June 16, 2004

Alyssa Teaches Me Feminism

My friend Alyssa is a feminist; not in the sense that you and I and all other decent people are feminists (that is to say, we support equal rights for everyone), but in the sense that she will be a graduate student in women's studies at Rutgers this fall and doesn't shave her armpits.
When you know someone like this, whose views lie outside of the mainstream, the temptation is to make their differences the topic of conversation, if only because it's the first topic that comes to mind during an awkward pause. So whenever I see Alyssa, I eventually start asking her questions about women's rights, and that's where the conversation stays.

Allow me, for the sake of explaining further, to set up this hypothetical comparison-
Say you had a friend who was schizophrenic. You would almost certainly find yourself full of questions about how he regards the world. "What," you might ask yourself, "does Mervin feel about nuclear armament? About cabbage? about professional basketball?" Were you to ask him you would not be surprised to find his perspective different from your own: nuclear weapons remain a menace, but for him a pressing one, lurking in the garages and bridgework of everyone around him; cabbage for him is not an unappetizing vegetable but a good friend, loyal and pleasant to talk to; basketball might have no meaning at all. These may not be your own feelings, but it does you good to hear about them- your horizons are broadened.

It's precisely that way with Alyssa. I am always asking her ridiculous questions about what is important to her, because I am genuinely curious about how she sees things, and she is patient and willing to discuss whatever nonsense it is that I am bothering her with-
"I like calling people 'douchebags,' Alyssa. Is that okay? As a feminist are you offended by that?"
"Actually Andrew, I am offended by the very act of douching. Is there something wrong with a woman's body that she needs to cleanse it that way?"
"Wow, I'd never thought of it like that. But I guess that makes 'douchebag,' okay then?"
"Well, not really."
Alyssa seems to approach this kind of question and answer session as working to raise awareness of feminist issues, and if that is her goal she has achieved it. Among other things, I have learned from her that it is fun to call pro-life people "anti-choice." "Because," as Alyssa put it, "Why should we let them define the terms of debate? I'm not going to let them imply that I am anti-life."
She also invited me to a women's rights rally in D.C. where it is doubtless I would have learned countless other things about feminism, but I begged off because I am lazy. After the rally, she told me that Karen Hughes, a close advisor to the President, had created controversy when she likened the protestors to terrorists. I got a good laugh out of that. "Ha!" I said to myself, "what a jackass!" But for Alyssa, this was an attack, one which she will fend off with rusty chains and broken bottles. I admire her for it.

Alyssa really liked it when I first wrote this, and sometimes still brings it up when she is town. She just got her Master's degree (what, you my master now?) from Rutgers, and has landed a vagina-related position in our nation's capital, which means I will get to see her more often, thank goodness. The amount of radical feminism I am exposed to dropped precipitously in her absence, and I have found no one to fill the void.