On Christmas Day my family drove down to Chesapeake to visit our frail old viper of a grandmother. About an hour into the drive my dad yelled "GODDAMNIT!" I had zoned out listening to music, and quickly looked for the car that had cut him off. No car was there, and that scared me.
"What's wrong Dad? Are you okay? Is there something wrong with the car?"
"No, it was just that fucking Hardee's back there."
Puzzled, I look at Sarah, who was ignoring us.
"You mean you hate Hardee's so bad that the sight of one on the side of the road makes you yell?"
"Well I do like their breakfasts, but I wouldn't be caught dead eating their hamburgers. Jesus."
About a year ago on McSweeney's I read a girl's list of things that made her father mad. I liked this, and of course imitated it.
Things My Father Doesn't Like and Will Discuss at Length.
-Hardee's (hamburgers not breakfast sandwichs)
-San Francisco Giants star outfielder Barry Bonds
-Philip Glass
-Oprah.
-Anything healthy.
-The new priest at his old church, who he calls "the Rectum".
- E.T.
-Cramped aisles at the grocery store
-The inferiority of our local Burger King to Burger King franchises in other parts of town
-The Richmond Times-Dispatch
-Texas
On the way home from Chesapeake my dad was speeding, and a cop pulled us over. I won't detail the dialogue, but the officer addressed my father like he was talking to a retarded eight-year-old. As he was writing the ticket he was called away to do something more important.
"I have somewhere more important to be now so I can't write you a ticket," he told us, handing back the license and registration. "Try fifty-five for a change. Merry Christmas."
My dad was relieved, but I was angry, too angry for someone who hadn't received a ticket, who, for that matter, hadn't even been driving.
"Man, FUCK that guy," I yelled once the windows were up and were driving again.
"Andy," said dad, "it's nice of you to take up for me, but calm down a little, okay? I'm just glad he didn't write a ticket."
"Yeah he didn't, but he WANTED TO, the condescending power-crazy motherfucker."
Things I Don't Like and Will Discuss at Length.
-Cops
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
i like this post.
why don't people like Texas?
..that was amazing. andrew, if you wrote a book, i'd be happy. it could be put in the lit essays section, or biography, where it would probably be listed as a memior because of all the crazy shit that happens to you. your writing style is top notch. everyone would love it. i mean, you'd end up on npr being interviewed and doing readings and they would beg you to work for them and people would be lining up to suck your dick. honestly.. i'd rather read a chronologically composed book of your blog entries than most of the shit we have at bn. so i'm putting in an official request for you to write a book. please do it. please. -jacob
ps: i'm serious.
Post a Comment