The Frugal Gourmet Cooks with Little Kids

When I was younger I went through a phase where I liked to cook. I baked brownies and cookies, and one pineapple upside-down cake of which I was very proud. I read the Southern Living Cookbook, and my parents gave me a Julia Child cookbook for Christmas, which I still use to cook porkchops.
I also watched cooking shows, the Frugal Gourmet in particular. I never cooked anything I saw prepared on the Frugal Gourmet, but I liked watching it; it was comforting. I liked the theme music, I liked the Frugal Gourmet's voice, I liked how he made bad jokes and ended every show by saying "God bless." He was always doing things like visiting Mount Vernon to see what George Washington used to eat, or going to meat markets in Little Italy and then calling the woman who owned the shop a "grand old gal." He was like my grandpa, only he was friendly and he cooked and he wasn't trying to make me go to VMI.

One day, when I was a senior in high school I was eating lunch in the upperclassmen courtyard with my friends, and for some reason I brought up the Frugal Gourmet. Maybe I was complaining that the show never came on anymore. Maybe I was reading The Frugal Gourmet Cooks with Wine and had it in my bookbag. I don't honestly remember why I brought it up, what I remember is how my friend Nick responded.

"Man, you know the Frugal Gourmet rapes little boys, right?"
"Fuck you, he does not."
"No Andrew, it's true," said my friend Kate. "I saw it on the news awhile ago. They never proved anything, but he settled out of court."
"That means he didn't do it! They never proved anything! He just wanted to get it over with, to avoid the negative publicity."
"He did a good job-- nobody talks about him at all now that his show was canceled." said Nick.
"I hate you all! No one understands me!" I shouted, and ran from the courtyard, sobbing.

This remained a sore subject for literally years, and well into college whenever it came up I would come to the Frugal Gourmet's aid.
"They never proved that."
"I think it's terrible that they took his show away."
"I'm still trying to find a copy of The Frugal Gourmet Cooks Italian."
No library seemed to have The Frugal Gourmet Cooks Italian, possibly because of the pederasty scandal, but my favorite episodes of the show had corresponded to that particular book. One day, in a used book store in Fredericksburg, I found a copy, and bought it quickly,as though some policeman might try to stop me.
"I'm sorry son, but that book's by a known kiddy-raper; you better hand it over."
When I got home I took my first real look at the cover. Looking out from it was a bald, pale-faced, chubby man with beady eyes, his mouth open in a ghastly sort of smile (a lot like the one Conan's announcer Joel Goddard always has). It was the face of someone who rapes little boys, and he was holding a glass of wine and shrugging, as if to say "Could you blame me?" I tried to forget the picture and move on to the introduction, but all I could think of was the Frugal Gourmet making an orgasm face while Handel played in the background. I put the book on the floor of my closet and covered it with dirty cloths.