Back when I worked at the Chesterfield Public School 2002 Leadership Institute, we began by establishing some guidelines. Our boss, Cindy, stood at an easel with a marker and wrote down the guidelines that we, the councilor/group facilitators, shouted out. The only one I can remember was "Tell your own stories." It's probably good advice, but I have a hard time following it. I tell other people's stories frequently, whether it's a joke from a Chris Rock HBO stand-up special or it's the story of the time my friend Nick's roommate's ex-boyfriend told her he liked to have poop smeared around on his bare chest, other people's stories are often better than my own, and always more plentiful.
In that spirit I will now share a story that I stole from my friend Hale. He posted the following IM conversation on Friendster, and I'm reprinting it here because it's too funny not to share and also because I haven't posted anything in awhile. Enjoy!
With an AIM screen name like XdieseldykeX I
often receive IMs mistaking me for someone
else. When people think I'm a lesbian, hilarity
ensues.
But, have I gone to far in toying with the human
heart?
VincentVondone (5:16:30 PM): greetings
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:18:36 PM): hi
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:18:38 PM): who is this?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:19:45 PM): yeah?
Vincent Vondone (5:20:18 PM): so sorry
Vincent Vondone (5:20:21 PM): this is Vince
Vincent Vondone (5:20:36 PM): I'm a friend of
Rachel's
Vincent Vondone (5:20:48 PM): listen, I just
wanted to tell you that she feels really sorry
about what happened
Vincent Vondone (5:20:58 PM): and she really
needs you to take her calls or IMs
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:21:38 PM): rachel who?
Vincent Vondone (5:22:12 PM): ok I understand
that you're mad
Vincent Vondone (5:22:17 PM): but at least talk
with her
Vincent Vondone (5:22:20 PM): she feels horrible
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:22:29 PM): what's her side of
the story?
Vincent Vondone (5:22:31 PM): don't just cut her
out of your life completely
Vincent Vondone (5:22:47 PM): ok, you two were
broken up at the time
Vincent Vondone (5:23:02 PM): and Tammy really
put pressure on her
Vincent Vondone (5:23:15 PM): got her drunk, you
know how Rachel can't handle her alcohol
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:23:21 PM): don't I know
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:23:29 PM): she's a f*ckin lush
Vincent Vondone (5:23:29 PM): she told you
because she cares about you
Vincent Vondone (5:23:37 PM): and she didn't
want to hurt you
Vincent Vondone (5:23:50 PM): what? she's not a
lush!
Vincent Vondone (5:24:04 PM): I feel like you're
blowing this out of proportion
Vincent Vondone (5:24:10 PM): I mean, you have a
right to be mad
Vincent Vondone (5:24:13 PM): but
Vincent Vondone (5:24:23 PM): I don't know, I
think you guys should at least talk
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:24:52 PM): i mean, she's the
one that's been slutting herself around
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:26:23 PM): youre damn right I'm
mad
Vincent Vondone (5:26:29 PM): it's nly because
she's upset
Vincent Vondone (5:26:35 PM): she's crazy about
you
Vincent Vondone (5:26:54 PM): she's event alking
abotu quiting her job
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:27:13 PM): why would she do
that?
Vincent Vondone (5:27:13 PM): and her job is her
life!
Vincent Vondone (5:27:28 PM): she says dairy
remind her of you now
Vincent Vondone (5:27:43 PM): because of the
time you guys had together there
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:29:00 PM): wait...what details
did she give you about our time there together?
Vincent Vondone (5:29:21 PM): ha...was she not
supposed to tell me?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:29:41 PM): i just want to know
exactly what you know.....i wont be mad
Vincent Vondone (5:30:19 PM): well, she told me
that you guys did stuff there...
Vincent Vondone (5:30:22 PM): like, sexual stuff
Vincent Vondone (5:30:44 PM): because, you know,
she likes that kinda stuff
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:30:50 PM): i bet she was
thinking of tammy the whole time she was going
down on me
Vincent Vondone (5:31:16 PM): stop!
Vincent Vondone (5:31:19 PM): you know that's
not true!
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:31:40 PM): vince, let me ask
you a question.....
Vincent Vondone (5:31:41 PM): Tammy would never
even hook up on a dairy farm like that
Vincent Vondone (5:31:48 PM): that's what makes
what you guys had so special
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:32:02 PM): have you ever had
dairy sex with the person you love and then have
them cheat on you?
Vincent Vondone (5:32:40 PM): The only person
I've everhad dairy sex with was John
Vincent Vondone (5:32:50 PM): and god knows he
cheated on me with just about everyone
Vincent Vondone (5:32:51 PM): so yes
Vincent Vondone (5:33:06 PM): but that's while I
was working at Hampstead
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:33:17 PM): where are you
working now?
Vincent Vondone (5:33:31 PM): Mrs. M's
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:33:58 PM): did john f*ck you
between the cows?
Vincent Vondone (5:34:35 PM): yeah. what are you
trying to get at?
Vincent Vondone (5:34:46 PM): Look I understand
what you're going through, but the situations
are totally different
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:34:53 PM): just curious.......
i think dairy sex is pretty fun
Vincent Vondone (5:34:54 PM): you and Rachel
were on a time out
Vincent Vondone (5:34:57 PM): or time off or
whatever
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:35:09 PM): love knows no time
outs
Vincent Vondone (5:35:10 PM): I don't know I
thought it was weird
Vincent Vondone (5:35:13 PM): John ws really
into it though
Vincent Vondone (5:35:18 PM): I knowRachel loves
it
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:35:25 PM): what weirded you out?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:35:28 PM): the cows?
Vincent Vondone (5:35:29 PM): but I think it's
messy
Vincent Vondone (5:35:45 PM): well sometimes I
feel bad for them, I mean, I know they can't
feel anything
Vincent Vondone (5:36:00 PM): but they're still
watching
Vincent Vondone (5:36:16 PM): it just kinda
weirds me out. Plus, you're wasting so much
product
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:36:25 PM): so you f*cked a cow?
Vincent Vondone (5:37:08 PM): What??
Vincent Vondone (5:37:09 PM): no!!
Vincent Vondone (5:37:16 PM): Why, did you guys??
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:37:30 PM): oh good...i thought
that's what you meant when you said they couldnt
feel anything
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:37:35 PM): no!!!
Vincent Vondone (5:37:38 PM): no I mean
emotionally
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:39:09 PM): how did you guys use
the milk?
Vincent Vondone (5:39:18 PM): so will you think
about talking to Rachel?
Vincent Vondone (5:39:31 PM): you know, just
spread it out all over
Vincent Vondone (5:39:35 PM): and as lubrication
Vincent Vondone (5:39:43 PM): like normal
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:39:51 PM): i mean, what should
i say to her?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:39:58 PM): what would you say
to her in my situation
Vincent Vondone (5:40:11 PM): I would forgive her
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:40:15 PM): how much milk did
you guys use?
Vincent Vondone (5:40:18 PM): personally
Vincent Vondone (5:40:39 PM): focus!!
Vincent Vondone (5:40:43 PM): this is important!
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:40:54 PM): sorry....i'm sure
you can imagine how stressed i've been
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:41:00 PM): it's hard to think
straight
Vincent Vondone (5:41:22 PM): have you been
talking to a lot of people about this?
Vincent Vondone (5:41:43 PM): I think Rachel's
been talking to just about the entire state of
Wisconsin
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:42:00 PM): what has she been
saying?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:42:15 PM): vince, what town do
you live in?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:44:14 PM): you there?
Vincent Vondone (5:45:40 PM): Arpin why?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:45:55 PM): just seeing how far
the rumors are spreading
Vincent Vondone (5:46:35 PM): well, this
wouldn't be that far. DO you remember that we've
met?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:47:09 PM): vaguely
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:47:20 PM): you meet a lot of
people in these parts
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:47:24 PM): but you know that
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:47:29 PM): so how bout them
Packers?
Vincent Vondone (5:48:12 PM): Look, she's going
to be at Jarod's party tonight
Vincent Vondone (5:48:15 PM): I think you should
go
Vincent Vondone (5:48:17 PM): so you guys can
talk
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:48:26 PM): will she be drunk
again?
Vincent Vondone (5:48:27 PM): she doesn't know
that I'm talking to you
Vincent Vondone (5:48:34 PM): I saw your screen
name over her shoulder awhile back
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:48:42 PM): she'd probably be
mad if she knew
Vincent Vondone (5:48:57 PM): yeah probably
Vincent Vondone (5:49:01 PM): but I hate to see
her so down
Vincent Vondone (5:49:17 PM): She already had
all that sh*t go down with her parents
Vincent Vondone (5:49:20 PM): and now this
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:50:17 PM): what did she tell
you happened with her parents?
Vincent Vondone (5:50:35 PM): they kicked her out
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:52:38 PM): where's she been
staying lately? i ahven talked to her
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:53:59 PM): is she staying with
tammy?
Vincent Vondone (5:55:19 PM): no, with Ariana's
parents still...
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:55:42 PM): good....she better
never talk to that b*tch tammy again
Vincent Vondone (5:56:17 PM): well they do have
class together
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:56:19 PM): or i'll zap them
both with a cattle prod
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:56:31 PM): maybe it's time for
one of them to drop out of school
Vincent Vondone (5:56:38 PM): which one?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:57:14 PM): i dont care
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:57:19 PM): the dumber one
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:57:24 PM): so i guess that'd be
rachel
Vincent Vondone (5:57:25 PM): man, you really
are pissed
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:57:31 PM): since she was dumb
enough to cheat on me
Vincent Vondone (5:57:33 PM): how can you say
that??
Vincent Vondone (5:57:38 PM): oh
Vincent Vondone (5:57:48 PM): ok how about this
Vincent Vondone (5:57:51 PM): you go to the
party tonight
Vincent Vondone (5:58:00 PM): and I'll go and
bring Rachel
Vincent Vondone (5:58:12 PM): halfway through
the evening you excuse yourself to go to the
bathroom
Vincent Vondone (5:58:20 PM): then, hide in the
shower
Vincent Vondone (5:58:28 PM): then, I'll bring
Rachel in there
Vincent Vondone (5:58:34 PM): but she won't know
you're in the shower
Vincent Vondone (5:58:45 PM): and we'll talk
about everything that happened
Vincent Vondone (5:58:51 PM): and you'll see
that she's really sorry
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:59:26 PM): then i'll pop out
from behind the curtain?
Vincent Vondone (6:00:07 PM): yeah!
Vincent Vondone (6:00:13 PM): nd you guys can
make out
Vincent Vondone (6:00:15 PM): I mean make up
Vincent Vondone (6:00:16 PM): oops!
Vincent Vondone (6:00:20 PM): O:-)
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:00:26 PM): you know
what....that actually sounds like a pretty good
idea
Vincent Vondone (6:00:40 PM): so you'll do it?!
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:01:02 PM): yeah, i'll do my
best to get there
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:01:05 PM): but i have to run now
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:01:09 PM): thanks for the chat
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:01:14 PM): dont get caught
f*cking in the barn!!!
Vincent Vondone (6:01:16 PM): ok, well I'll see
you tonight Lauren
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