The other day I paid a visit to my old Barnes and Noble. I took a stroll through the bargain books that I used to be in charge of, and saw that they were in good shape, better than when I had them. This is, no doubt because they made my friend Kristin my replacement. Good job, Kristin.
And then I went back to the music department, where I saw my old coworkers, Phillip and Kathy. I had given Phillip the address for this online journal a few weeks ago, so that he could read an entry where he was mentioned, and he told me he liked it. Thanks, Phillip.
Kathy was unaware that I had an online journal, and asked if she could have the address. At first I was reluctant, because I had already given the address to a few people from work, and I worried about it getting around. You see, back in January I wrote some unkind remarks here about a co-worker, and an incident in which I used the word "retard" in front of her, unaware that she had a retarded son. I told Kathy about this, and she said she would be discrete. We moved on to discuss my insensitivity with regards to the "Retard Incident." Kathy wondered about how she would respond if I used a similarly offensive word to describe homosexuals, her son being a homosexual. I was quick to respond to this.
"I would never use that word, ever." I said. And I meant it. I don't use that word, and people who do offend me.
Why should I care about the feelings of the homosexual and not the retard? I don't really know. Maybe it's because the retard has no idea what it is that I am talking about.
More likely it is that slurs against the mentally handicapped are widely seen as offensive, as are most other slurs directed against African-Americans, women, the physically handicapped, and so on. Everybody knows that words like "nigger" and "cunt" and "retard" are offensive. If they use those words they do it privately, with other dickheads who will understand and appreciate them. Homophobia, on the other had, still retains a fair amount of social acceptability. (When the media report on something like gay marriage and make a show of remaining unbiased the implication is that discrimination against a minority is as valid a position as equal rights for everyone and that we must give both positions a fair hearing. I know that professional journalists aren't supposed to take sides, but this is a case where I would prefer that they break that particular rule. (It's fun to watch a CNN segment about gay marriage and pretend they are talking about another minority- Jews, or midgets for example. Hearing Soledad O'Brien or Wolf Blitzer call midget marriage a "difficult issue that we must all grapple with" gives things some perspective.))
So (back to the story) I gave her the address. Imagine my horror when, just a few minutes ago, I reread a post from March 1st and saw that I referred to homosexuals as "buttpirates."
Having come to face my own ugly hypocrisy then, I have arrived at the following conclusion:
No matter how self-righteous I am about anything, the word "buttpirate" is too funny not to say. Kathy, if you are reading, I offer you a sincere apology. I believe deeply that homosexuals deserve the same rights as everyone else, and I have no patience for anyone who thinks differently, but I cannot stop using that word.
I hope that the gay community will understand and forgive me. I am only human.
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