I Tell Someone Else's Story

Back when I worked at the Chesterfield Public School 2002 Leadership Institute, we began by establishing some guidelines. Our boss, Cindy, stood at an easel with a marker and wrote down the guidelines that we, the councilor/group facilitators, shouted out. The only one I can remember was "Tell your own stories." It's probably good advice, but I have a hard time following it. I tell other people's stories frequently, whether it's a joke from a Chris Rock HBO stand-up special or it's the story of the time my friend Nick's roommate's ex-boyfriend told her he liked to have poop smeared around on his bare chest, other people's stories are often better than my own, and always more plentiful.
In that spirit I will now share a story that I stole from my friend Hale. He posted the following IM conversation on Friendster, and I'm reprinting it here because it's too funny not to share and also because I haven't posted anything in awhile. Enjoy!

With an AIM screen name like XdieseldykeX I
often receive IMs mistaking me for someone
else. When people think I'm a lesbian, hilarity
ensues.
But, have I gone to far in toying with the human
heart?


VincentVondone (5:16:30 PM): greetings
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:18:36 PM): hi
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:18:38 PM): who is this?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:19:45 PM): yeah?
Vincent Vondone (5:20:18 PM): so sorry
Vincent Vondone (5:20:21 PM): this is Vince
Vincent Vondone (5:20:36 PM): I'm a friend of
Rachel's
Vincent Vondone (5:20:48 PM): listen, I just
wanted to tell you that she feels really sorry
about what happened
Vincent Vondone (5:20:58 PM): and she really
needs you to take her calls or IMs
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:21:38 PM): rachel who?
Vincent Vondone (5:22:12 PM): ok I understand
that you're mad
Vincent Vondone (5:22:17 PM): but at least talk
with her
Vincent Vondone (5:22:20 PM): she feels horrible
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:22:29 PM): what's her side of
the story?
Vincent Vondone (5:22:31 PM): don't just cut her
out of your life completely
Vincent Vondone (5:22:47 PM): ok, you two were
broken up at the time
Vincent Vondone (5:23:02 PM): and Tammy really
put pressure on her
Vincent Vondone (5:23:15 PM): got her drunk, you
know how Rachel can't handle her alcohol
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:23:21 PM): don't I know
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:23:29 PM): she's a f*ckin lush
Vincent Vondone (5:23:29 PM): she told you
because she cares about you
Vincent Vondone (5:23:37 PM): and she didn't
want to hurt you
Vincent Vondone (5:23:50 PM): what? she's not a
lush!
Vincent Vondone (5:24:04 PM): I feel like you're
blowing this out of proportion
Vincent Vondone (5:24:10 PM): I mean, you have a
right to be mad
Vincent Vondone (5:24:13 PM): but
Vincent Vondone (5:24:23 PM): I don't know, I
think you guys should at least talk
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:24:52 PM): i mean, she's the
one that's been slutting herself around
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:26:23 PM): youre damn right I'm
mad
Vincent Vondone (5:26:29 PM): it's nly because
she's upset
Vincent Vondone (5:26:35 PM): she's crazy about
you
Vincent Vondone (5:26:54 PM): she's event alking
abotu quiting her job
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:27:13 PM): why would she do
that?
Vincent Vondone (5:27:13 PM): and her job is her
life!
Vincent Vondone (5:27:28 PM): she says dairy
remind her of you now
Vincent Vondone (5:27:43 PM): because of the
time you guys had together there
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:29:00 PM): wait...what details
did she give you about our time there together?
Vincent Vondone (5:29:21 PM): ha...was she not
supposed to tell me?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:29:41 PM): i just want to know
exactly what you know.....i wont be mad
Vincent Vondone (5:30:19 PM): well, she told me
that you guys did stuff there...
Vincent Vondone (5:30:22 PM): like, sexual stuff
Vincent Vondone (5:30:44 PM): because, you know,
she likes that kinda stuff
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:30:50 PM): i bet she was
thinking of tammy the whole time she was going
down on me
Vincent Vondone (5:31:16 PM): stop!
Vincent Vondone (5:31:19 PM): you know that's
not true!
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:31:40 PM): vince, let me ask
you a question.....
Vincent Vondone (5:31:41 PM): Tammy would never
even hook up on a dairy farm like that

Vincent Vondone (5:31:48 PM): that's what makes
what you guys had so special
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:32:02 PM): have you ever had
dairy sex with the person you love and then have
them cheat on you?
Vincent Vondone (5:32:40 PM): The only person
I've everhad dairy sex with was John
Vincent Vondone (5:32:50 PM): and god knows he
cheated on me with just about everyone
Vincent Vondone (5:32:51 PM): so yes
Vincent Vondone (5:33:06 PM): but that's while I
was working at Hampstead
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:33:17 PM): where are you
working now?
Vincent Vondone (5:33:31 PM): Mrs. M's
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:33:58 PM): did john f*ck you
between the cows?
Vincent Vondone (5:34:35 PM): yeah. what are you
trying to get at?
Vincent Vondone (5:34:46 PM): Look I understand
what you're going through, but the situations

are totally different
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:34:53 PM): just curious.......
i think dairy sex is pretty fun
Vincent Vondone (5:34:54 PM): you and Rachel
were on a time out
Vincent Vondone (5:34:57 PM): or time off or
whatever
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:35:09 PM): love knows no time
outs
Vincent Vondone (5:35:10 PM): I don't know I
thought it was weird
Vincent Vondone (5:35:13 PM): John ws really
into it though
Vincent Vondone (5:35:18 PM): I knowRachel loves
it
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:35:25 PM): what weirded you out?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:35:28 PM): the cows?
Vincent Vondone (5:35:29 PM): but I think it's
messy
Vincent Vondone (5:35:45 PM): well sometimes I
feel bad for them, I mean, I know they can't
feel anything
Vincent Vondone (5:36:00 PM): but they're still
watching
Vincent Vondone (5:36:16 PM): it just kinda
weirds me out. Plus, you're wasting so much
product
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:36:25 PM): so you f*cked a cow?
Vincent Vondone (5:37:08 PM): What??
Vincent Vondone (5:37:09 PM): no!!
Vincent Vondone (5:37:16 PM): Why, did you guys??
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:37:30 PM): oh good...i thought
that's what you meant when you said they couldnt
feel anything
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:37:35 PM): no!!!
Vincent Vondone (5:37:38 PM): no I mean
emotionally
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:39:09 PM): how did you guys use
the milk?
Vincent Vondone (5:39:18 PM): so will you think
about talking to Rachel?
Vincent Vondone (5:39:31 PM): you know, just
spread it out all over
Vincent Vondone (5:39:35 PM): and as lubrication
Vincent Vondone (5:39:43 PM): like normal
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:39:51 PM): i mean, what should
i say to her?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:39:58 PM): what would you say
to her in my situation
Vincent Vondone (5:40:11 PM): I would forgive her
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:40:15 PM): how much milk did
you guys use?
Vincent Vondone (5:40:18 PM): personally
Vincent Vondone (5:40:39 PM): focus!!
Vincent Vondone (5:40:43 PM): this is important!
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:40:54 PM): sorry....i'm sure
you can imagine how stressed i've been
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:41:00 PM): it's hard to think
straight
Vincent Vondone (5:41:22 PM): have you been
talking to a lot of people about this?
Vincent Vondone (5:41:43 PM): I think Rachel's
been talking to just about the entire state of
Wisconsin
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:42:00 PM): what has she been
saying?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:42:15 PM): vince, what town do
you live in?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:44:14 PM): you there?
Vincent Vondone (5:45:40 PM): Arpin why?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:45:55 PM): just seeing how far
the rumors are spreading
Vincent Vondone (5:46:35 PM): well, this
wouldn't be that far. DO you remember that we've
met?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:47:09 PM): vaguely
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:47:20 PM): you meet a lot of
people in these parts
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:47:24 PM): but you know that
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:47:29 PM): so how bout them
Packers?
Vincent Vondone (5:48:12 PM): Look, she's going
to be at Jarod's party tonight
Vincent Vondone (5:48:15 PM): I think you should
go
Vincent Vondone (5:48:17 PM): so you guys can
talk
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:48:26 PM): will she be drunk
again?
Vincent Vondone (5:48:27 PM): she doesn't know
that I'm talking to you
Vincent Vondone (5:48:34 PM): I saw your screen
name over her shoulder awhile back
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:48:42 PM): she'd probably be
mad if she knew
Vincent Vondone (5:48:57 PM): yeah probably
Vincent Vondone (5:49:01 PM): but I hate to see
her so down
Vincent Vondone (5:49:17 PM): She already had
all that sh*t go down with her parents
Vincent Vondone (5:49:20 PM): and now this
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:50:17 PM): what did she tell
you happened with her parents?
Vincent Vondone (5:50:35 PM): they kicked her out
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:52:38 PM): where's she been
staying lately? i ahven talked to her
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:53:59 PM): is she staying with
tammy?
Vincent Vondone (5:55:19 PM): no, with Ariana's
parents still...
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:55:42 PM): good....she better
never talk to that b*tch tammy again
Vincent Vondone (5:56:17 PM): well they do have
class together
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:56:19 PM): or i'll zap them
both with a cattle prod
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:56:31 PM): maybe it's time for
one of them to drop out of school
Vincent Vondone (5:56:38 PM): which one?
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:57:14 PM): i dont care
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:57:19 PM): the dumber one
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:57:24 PM): so i guess that'd be
rachel
Vincent Vondone (5:57:25 PM): man, you really
are pissed
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:57:31 PM): since she was dumb
enough to cheat on me
Vincent Vondone (5:57:33 PM): how can you say
that??
Vincent Vondone (5:57:38 PM): oh
Vincent Vondone (5:57:48 PM): ok how about this
Vincent Vondone (5:57:51 PM): you go to the
party tonight
Vincent Vondone (5:58:00 PM): and I'll go and
bring Rachel
Vincent Vondone (5:58:12 PM): halfway through
the evening you excuse yourself to go to the
bathroom
Vincent Vondone (5:58:20 PM): then, hide in the
shower
Vincent Vondone (5:58:28 PM): then, I'll bring
Rachel in there
Vincent Vondone (5:58:34 PM): but she won't know
you're in the shower
Vincent Vondone (5:58:45 PM): and we'll talk
about everything that happened
Vincent Vondone (5:58:51 PM): and you'll see
that she's really sorry
XDIESEL DYKEx (5:59:26 PM): then i'll pop out
from behind the curtain?
Vincent Vondone (6:00:07 PM): yeah!
Vincent Vondone (6:00:13 PM): nd you guys can
make out
Vincent Vondone (6:00:15 PM): I mean make up
Vincent Vondone (6:00:16 PM): oops!
Vincent Vondone (6:00:20 PM): O:-)
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:00:26 PM): you know
what....that actually sounds like a pretty good
idea
Vincent Vondone (6:00:40 PM): so you'll do it?!
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:01:02 PM): yeah, i'll do my
best to get there
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:01:05 PM): but i have to run now
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:01:09 PM): thanks for the chat
XDIESEL DYKEx (6:01:14 PM): dont get caught
f*cking in the barn!!!
Vincent Vondone (6:01:16 PM): ok, well I'll see
you tonight Lauren

My Parents Act like Monkeys

My parents are really religious. Sometimes this doesn't bother me. They are really open-minded. They don't believe in hell, and they go to a church where they hand out anti-war pins before the service. So sometimes I am alright with it, but other times, when they come home after church and are talking over all the church news, and they start using the word minister as a verb, or talking about how so-and-so was "called" to do something, then I think they are nuts.
I also hate that they want to convert me. Just now my mother was reading from the Bible and told me I really ought to read about Elijah the Tishbite and his encounter with Jezebel.
"Elijah is my favoite prophet."
We then argued about who the best prophet was, my contention being that it was Isaiah the Googoofuck.
On the few occaisons that I do go to church with them- and my mom makes me go up and take communion with her, and then tries to sing harmony to the hymns but just ends up sounding out of tune- sometimes, secretly, and particularly when they pray, I think about the apes and the black monolith at the beginning of 2001. I imagine my parents jumping up and down and hooting around a cross.

I Like Being Absurd

I sometimes play a game with Katie where we argue over opposites.
"What's the opposite of a school bus?"
"Spaghetti."
"That's ridiculous."
"No it isn't, there is nothing more unlike a school bus than spaghetti."
"What about hydrogen?"
"Shut up."
"Okay, then what's the opposite of a paper clip?"
"Feta Cheese."
"No way, it's Richard Nixon."
This can go on for awhile, and inevitably tempers flare. Then Cara tells us to shut up, but usually she has to do it a few times before we listen. It's a fun game.

I am a Hypocrite

The other day I paid a visit to my old Barnes and Noble. I took a stroll through the bargain books that I used to be in charge of, and saw that they were in good shape, better than when I had them. This is, no doubt because they made my friend Kristin my replacement. Good job, Kristin.
And then I went back to the music department, where I saw my old coworkers, Phillip and Kathy. I had given Phillip the address for this online journal a few weeks ago, so that he could read an entry where he was mentioned, and he told me he liked it. Thanks, Phillip.
Kathy was unaware that I had an online journal, and asked if she could have the address. At first I was reluctant, because I had already given the address to a few people from work, and I worried about it getting around. You see, back in January I wrote some unkind remarks here about a co-worker, and an incident in which I used the word "retard" in front of her, unaware that she had a retarded son. I told Kathy about this, and she said she would be discrete. We moved on to discuss my insensitivity with regards to the "Retard Incident." Kathy wondered about how she would respond if I used a similarly offensive word to describe homosexuals, her son being a homosexual. I was quick to respond to this.
"I would never use that word, ever." I said. And I meant it. I don't use that word, and people who do offend me.
Why should I care about the feelings of the homosexual and not the retard? I don't really know. Maybe it's because the retard has no idea what it is that I am talking about.
More likely it is that slurs against the mentally handicapped are widely seen as offensive, as are most other slurs directed against African-Americans, women, the physically handicapped, and so on. Everybody knows that words like "nigger" and "cunt" and "retard" are offensive. If they use those words they do it privately, with other dickheads who will understand and appreciate them. Homophobia, on the other had, still retains a fair amount of social acceptability. (When the media report on something like gay marriage and make a show of remaining unbiased the implication is that discrimination against a minority is as valid a position as equal rights for everyone and that we must give both positions a fair hearing. I know that professional journalists aren't supposed to take sides, but this is a case where I would prefer that they break that particular rule. (It's fun to watch a CNN segment about gay marriage and pretend they are talking about another minority- Jews, or midgets for example. Hearing Soledad O'Brien or Wolf Blitzer call midget marriage a "difficult issue that we must all grapple with" gives things some perspective.))

So (back to the story) I gave her the address. Imagine my horror when, just a few minutes ago, I reread a post from March 1st and saw that I referred to homosexuals as "buttpirates."
Having come to face my own ugly hypocrisy then, I have arrived at the following conclusion:
No matter how self-righteous I am about anything, the word "buttpirate" is too funny not to say. Kathy, if you are reading, I offer you a sincere apology. I believe deeply that homosexuals deserve the same rights as everyone else, and I have no patience for anyone who thinks differently, but I cannot stop using that word.
I hope that the gay community will understand and forgive me. I am only human.

I am Helpless in the Face of Third Rate Celebrities

From a young age, I have been helpless in the face of celebrity, but I didn't fully come to grips with it until last year when I encountered radio personality, and author of Redneck Nation, Michael Graham at Barnes and Noble, where I work. He was there in anticipation of a book signing, and I had recently been watching a lot of "Real Time with Bill Maher" on HBO, so I recognized him immediately from his repeated appearances on that excellent program.
I particularly remembered him speaking out against affirmative action, saying it was unfair for African American children to benefit from their minoriy status, while Asian American kids did not. He probably made his point marginally better than I just did, I have forgotten most of what he said. What I chiefly remember is the look on his face as cartoonist Aaron McGruder berated him, "Oh shut up, you don't care about the Asian kid. No, you don't, stop it! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ASIAN KID."
So I recognized Mr. Graham, and when he spoke to me I didn't hear him, I was too busy thinking, "Shit, this guy is really tall. Way taller than on TV. Why is that?" Even though I despised him on television for what he said and stood for, in person I was overwhelmed merely by the recognition that I had once seen him on television.

Today at Barnes and Noble I was working at the customer service desk, only five minutes before my lunch break, when a swarthy, muscular man with a big Conan O'Brien style pompadour and a shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest approached the counter. He wanted a kids book of Native American folk stories.
So I took him into the kids department, and as I was helping him he told me more about why he needed it.
"I'm gonna read for my sister's class tomorrow. I wanted to sing, but they siad that wasn't what they wanted."
I raised my eyes a little bit at the idea of him singing I guess, because he felt like he had to explain further.
"I'm one of the Village People."
At first I thought he was making a joke; he seemed obviously to be homosexual, and maybe he was making a self-deprecating joke about how many stereotypes he fit. But then I realized he was serious.
"Wait, you're really one of the Village People?" I said, clearly taken aback.
"Yeah, I'm the Indian."
"Wow," I said, "that's awesome."
I helped him find a book, and I think he maybe enjoyed my wide-eyed reaction to his fame. I think my surprise might have seemed like a sudden wave of recognition. I think I might have seemed like a Village People fan.
He told me his real name, which is Phillipe, and to go to his website, for which I have already forgotten the address. I shook his hand and headed off to my break, once again bewildered by my response to a famous person I didn't give a shit about.

Poetry is Not My Strong Suit

This poem was originally published in the February 2000 issue of The Polemic, one of two student run literary journals at Mary Washington College. The author (I'm going to refer to myself in this post using the third person, a pretentious thing to do, surely, but it will allow me to provide an analysis of my poem, something nobody else seemed likely to do) has described it as “an attempt to write the worst poem I possibly could.” To his great despair it was for the most part taken entirely seriously by the Mary Washington community, many of whom personally congratulated the author on his great talent and thanked him for sharing so much of himself. He hopes that the work’s re-publication here, along with some brief explanatory notes, will correct these unfortunate misreadings and show once and for all that its author is of marginal talent at best and has shared absolutely nothing of himself.


The Bitterness That Colors My Life Gray

The zookeeper ran down the beach screaming,
"Fuckers! someday I will show you all that I can dance with the best of them!"
and the little children kicked sand in his
navel and laughed at his missing feet which the grizzly bear had eaten.
An albatross flew overhead, dropping its droppings on the heads of all who desired it; namely
the masses, who pray for
Sunny Delight which is not forthcoming.
and the Flying Fish Flew
and the Chinese Pandas Died
and the empty days
piled up like discarded socks in God's hamper.
God Bless America.

Notes-
1.The title is an allusion to the final sentence of Testimony, the memoirs of 20th century Russian composer Dmitri Shostakovich. It was chosen because of the author’s affinity for Shostakovich’s music, and his equally great distaste for Shostakovich’s prose, which may be described charitably as clichéd and self-pitying.
2. " The Zookeeper"
Animals and the keeping of them are motives that appear throughout the author's work, and this poem in particular. The zookeeper character is representative of unwelcome authority, specifically the author's own parents who are always bugging him about stuff. He recurs in several of the author's later poems, notably, “Libyan Aftershave Lotion” and “The Emasculation of Francis.”
3. "'Fuckers!'"
For publication in the Polemic it was necessary to replace “Fuckers!” with “Bastards!”
4. " I can dance wiht the best of them!"
It is interesting to note that the author is incapable of dancing. The zookeeper’s words here therefore show both the author's touching identification with his oft-maligned parents, and a poignant reminder of his own absurd social inhibitions.
5. "little children"
The author does not like children, and often mutters under his breath at them.
6. "navel"
The author inserted a break here purely for the sake of being like e. e. cummings or somebody else good (technical difficulties prevent the inclusion of that break here. It is certain that this does not in anyway detract from the already horrifically bad poem).
7. "grizzly bear"
The author has said repeatedly that he likes bears, because they are “big and fuzzy,” and indeed, his love of bears dates back to a boyhood fascination with Winnie the Pooh. The grizzly bear in the author’s work is therefore usually interpreted as a representation of the author himself, and thus the bear eating the zookeeper’s feet becomes the author’s rebellion against authority. By eating his parents’ feet he deprives them of their mobility, weakening their hold over him. However at the same time he renders them unable to dance, creating a point of similarity between them and himself. This simultaneous rejection of and identification with his parents is typical of the kind of empty, ridiculous symbolism to be found throughout the author’s poetry.
8. "an albatross"
The albatross in this line was included because it seemed appropriately strange and might be mistaken by the reader as being in some way profound, possibly as an allusion to The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner.
9."who pray"
Here the author expresses contempt for the common man, whose prayers to a higher power he equates with asking a large bird to shit on your head.
10. "Sunny Delight"
Once referred to as "orange juice and milk's bastard son," Sunny Delight is a disgusting synthetic drink that the author associates with the deterioration of civilization.
11. "Flying Fish Flew"
Yet another animal reference, the author thinks of flying fish as engaging in a Sysiphisian struggle to escape the water that sustains them, only to be pulled down again by gravity. Here they at last escape water to truly fly, but free of the water, asphyxiate. The author clearly has no understanding of biology, choosing instead to use the fish as yet another vehicle for expressing his oft-expressed feelings of life’s futility.
12. "Chinese Pandas Died"
At the time the author wrote this poem the last surviving panda at the National Zoo had just died and had not yet been replaced. The reference here communicates something of the despair of the time, when important symbols of international goodwill seemed to be dropping right and left. Furthermore, when taking into consideration the author’s strong identification with bears, it becomes a moving contemplation of his own mortality.
13. "empty days pile up like discarded socks in God's hamper"
This line was stolen- lock, stock, and barrel- from the author’s favorite show thirtysomething, specifically an episode called “Michael Writes a Story.” In this episode the protagonist, Michael, attempts to balance his need to create art with his need to attend to everyday practical matters. This struggle does not seem particularly relevant here, and the line's use can only be attributed to bad taste in plagarism.
14. "God Bless America"
With this statement the author arbitrarily turns the work into a political statement. He appears to be saying that life in the United States is in some way unsatisfactory. However, it is not made clear in what way it is unsatisfactory, and the reader is left puzzled and feeling that he has wasted his time.

I am not Smart

Perhaps you have noticed that for the second half of february I posted only one line, a belated response to a country song about September eleventh. I haven't felt up to writing much, and I decided that rather than try to force it and end up with something nobody would ever want to read, I would wait until I actually had something to say.
So now here it is March, and I still don't have anything to say, but it's been long enough that i ahev decided to go back on my previous decision and force something, mainly because I am bored.
I could discuss The Passion of the Christ, or gay marriage.
I haven't seen The Passion of the Christ, but I did watch CNN last Wednesday enough to know that they didn't talk about anything Wednesday except for The Passion of the Christ. I cite this as further evidence that CNN sucks.
As far as gay marriage goes I think even talking about it is stupid, and I resent the assholes who insist on opposing equal protection under the law for buttpirates thereby making a discussion necessary. Obviously I think gay people should be able to get married, but I don't have anything to say that anybody hasn't already heard. There's really not much to discuss, other than to call those who are opposed to it backwards and hateful and self-righteous fuckheads and whatever other thing you feel like calling them and move on.
On a personal level I could discuss my work ( I have transferred to a different Barnes and Noble where I have the exact same job and make the exact same money), but nobody really cares. I could discuss my free time, but hearing about what my friends are doing and what movies I have seen recently would be even worse.

One thing that I can think to mention is that I recently gave up on being smart. I am not smart, and I don't care anymore. Yeah I have certain facilities for certain things, but I am equally bad at countless others, and I have come to realize that I am about at the same level as everyone else.
This is in sharp contrast to my thinking ten or fifteen years ago, when I was certain that I was a great mind, superior o those around me, destined for great things.
I don't think any of that anymore. I think that I am ordinary, and so are you, and who gives a fuck because if either of us was extraordinary we'd probably just piss it away and not amount to anything in spite ourselves.
Here's wishing you a happy March.