In the spirit of the Golden Globes, the Academy Awards, the Modern Library lists of top 100 fiction and non-fiction books of the 20th century, and the American Film Institute’s most recent list of the top 100 Serial Killer/Buddy films, I have decided that I will rank the fifty states. In keeping with the traditions of the fine institutions listed above, this list will be almost totally arbitrary and subject to my own personal biases, prejudices, and mood swings. Please do not let this stop you from letting my list effect your perception of the states that compose our great nation. I have assumed the authority that nobody would grant me, and I urge you to consider that authority legitimate.
Points of interest regarding the rankings-
Generally, states in the north faired better than states in the south.
States on the coasts faired better than states in the heartland.
Generally older states faired better than newer states. Most of the original thirteen faired well (with the exceptions of the Carolinas who were penalized for Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond), and Alaska and Hawaii, though ranked well, each received penalties for their relatively recent acceptance into the union.
Rhode Island was penalized for size.
Massachussetts wasn't.
Montana received a number of points for possession of the "Berkley Pit," an abandoned copper mine that has filled with water that mixed with minerals and chemicals present in the soil to produce a potential ecological catastrophe. The water is so toxic that when birds land on it they die (I learned about this in a college geography class, and have been fascinated ever since).
Ohio dropped precipitously when it passed legislation yesterday putting the toughest restrictions in the nation on same-sex unions.
Iowa is higher than its neighbor Indiana primarily due to positive associations stemming from the musical “The Music Man.”
And despite appearances, Texas being last has nothing to do with my opinion of the President. Texas is last because Texas sucks.
1. Maine
2. Oregon
3. Massachusetts
4. Vermont
5. New York
6. Pennsylvania
7 California
8. New Hampshire
9. Washington
10. Connecticut
11. Virginia
12. Maryland
13. Arizona
14. Colorado
15. Rhode Island
16. Alaska
17. Missouri
18. Minnesota
19. Wisconsin
20. North Carolina
21. West Virginia
22. Hawaii
23. Georgia
24. Iowa
25. Florida
26. Delaware
27. Illinois
28. Montana
29. New Jersey
30. Oklahoma
31. Kansas
32. Idaho
33. Louisiana
34. Tennessee
35. Kentucky
36. Indiana
37. Ohio
38. Wyoming
39. New Mexico
40. Michigan
41. Nevada
42. Utah
43. Nebraska
44. South Carolina
45. Arkansas
46. North Dakota
47. South Dakota
48. Mississippi
49. Alabama
50. Texas
I would also like to take this opportunity to say that I think the Patriots will win the Super Bowl, Nicole Kidman’s dress at the Golden Globes was an outrage, Mystic River will win Best Picture but Sofia Coppola will share the best Director Oscar with Peter Jackson, and Dennis Kucinich will pull off an astounding upset in the New Hampshire Primary.
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