As I promised here is the second story that I published on That's Bullroar.
For those who are interested, the site is still active, and you can check out all of the stories and essays there, many of which are hilarious.
The Parable of the Old Woman and the Carpenter
Jesus was in his carpentry shop one day, making a table, when an old woman from the village stormed into his shop. She huffed and puffed, her brow furrowed and her teeth bared. In her arms was a broken stool. She complained to him that his poor workmanship had been responsible for her husband's injury.
"You shellacked the thing too much, and when my Zechariah stood on it to hang a picture he slipped right off and broke his ass!"
But Jesus denied that the fault was his, saying, "Lady you're nuts. The problem is with your husband. You can't blame me for his clumsiness."
This enraged the old woman, who shrieked epithets and wondered aloud if the carpenter's work might improve if he focused on carpentry and stopped daydreaming about bizarre cults and religious rituals.
"Oh no you didn't, bitch!" said an equally enraged and decidedly sassy Jesus, snapping his fingers. "Get out of my store right now, before I do you like I did those money-changers."
And the woman stormed out saying, "I won't be coming back to this shithole, you can believe me."
And Jesus said unto her, "Good! You're going to burn in hell, you fucking douchebag!"
Jesus left his shop late that night. He had closed early, staying to meditate and pray. He prayed that God would give him strength to accomplish what he was set on Earth to do, that he would love his fellow man as fully as he was able, and not give into petty and vulgar displays as he had earlier with the old woman. He knew that he had behaved badly, that however rude the woman might have been he had no right to call her a fucking douchebag. He repented his sin, and experienced doubt about his own divine perfection.
He also spent some time thinking about a hot girl who he kept seeing at the local well.
Returning home, he ate a simple meal of lentil soup and bread, leftovers from his parents' dinner. He played gin with his Dad for a while before turning in. His sleep was uneasy, for he knew he had displeased his heavenly father. As he tossed and turned, Jesus vowed to make things right.
In the morning when Jesus got to his shop he was met by an angry mob, one of whom threw a rotten egg at him, missing by a wide margin and hitting the window of a restaurant across the street.
And Jesus spoke to the mob, saying "My brothers and sisters, what is the problem?"
The old woman surged to the front of the crowd. "You are a cheat! Your faulty stool injured my husband. You denied your responsibility and called me obscene names, and now you wonder what the problem is?"
Angry murmurs and cheers of approval came from the crowd.
But Jesus spoke to her calmly and soothingly: "I was wrong to say those things to you sister, but I do believe my stool was not at fault. Let us come to some arrangement.'
"Shove your arrangement, and a curse on your pigs, may they grow antlers and develop dyberticulitis," said the woman.
And the mob rose up around her, yelling and holding signs that read "Jesus = Worst Carpenter Ever" and, "Make better stools, not love!" They moved towards Jesus, pushing him away from his shop and preparing to stone him. But at that moment the clouds parted and a voice came from heaven:
"This is my son. He is an excellent carpenter and his prices are very reasonable."
And the crowd was ashamed, and they put down their signs and knelt before Jesus. And he said, "No brothers and sisters, do not kneel. Rather, come in side and look at my merchandise. Like God says, it is well-crafted and reasonably priced."
And so they did, and with all the money he made that day, Jesus was able to shut down his father's carpentry shop and wander through Judea looking for followers and preaching the word. And so it was that through the intervention of an influential parent Jesus was not only able to avoid being stoned, but find fulfillment doing a job he liked. And he and his disciples lived happily ever after.
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