I Rate the States

In the spirit of the Golden Globes, the Academy Awards, the Modern Library lists of top 100 fiction and non-fiction books of the 20th century, and the American Film Institute’s most recent list of the top 100 Serial Killer/Buddy films, I have decided that I will rank the fifty states. In keeping with the traditions of the fine institutions listed above, this list will be almost totally arbitrary and subject to my own personal biases, prejudices, and mood swings. Please do not let this stop you from letting my list effect your perception of the states that compose our great nation. I have assumed the authority that nobody would grant me, and I urge you to consider that authority legitimate.

Points of interest regarding the rankings-
Generally, states in the north faired better than states in the south.
States on the coasts faired better than states in the heartland.
Generally older states faired better than newer states. Most of the original thirteen faired well (with the exceptions of the Carolinas who were penalized for Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond), and Alaska and Hawaii, though ranked well, each received penalties for their relatively recent acceptance into the union.
Rhode Island was penalized for size.
Massachussetts wasn't.
Montana received a number of points for possession of the "Berkley Pit," an abandoned copper mine that has filled with water that mixed with minerals and chemicals present in the soil to produce a potential ecological catastrophe. The water is so toxic that when birds land on it they die (I learned about this in a college geography class, and have been fascinated ever since).
Ohio dropped precipitously when it passed legislation yesterday putting the toughest restrictions in the nation on same-sex unions.
Iowa is higher than its neighbor Indiana primarily due to positive associations stemming from the musical “The Music Man.”
And despite appearances, Texas being last has nothing to do with my opinion of the President. Texas is last because Texas sucks.


1. Maine
2. Oregon
3. Massachusetts
4. Vermont
5. New York
6. Pennsylvania
7 California
8. New Hampshire
9. Washington
10. Connecticut
11. Virginia
12. Maryland
13. Arizona
14. Colorado
15. Rhode Island
16. Alaska
17. Missouri
18. Minnesota
19. Wisconsin
20. North Carolina
21. West Virginia
22. Hawaii
23. Georgia
24. Iowa
25. Florida
26. Delaware
27. Illinois
28. Montana
29. New Jersey
30. Oklahoma
31. Kansas
32. Idaho
33. Louisiana
34. Tennessee
35. Kentucky
36. Indiana
37. Ohio
38. Wyoming
39. New Mexico
40. Michigan
41. Nevada
42. Utah
43. Nebraska
44. South Carolina
45. Arkansas
46. North Dakota
47. South Dakota
48. Mississippi
49. Alabama
50. Texas

I would also like to take this opportunity to say that I think the Patriots will win the Super Bowl, Nicole Kidman’s dress at the Golden Globes was an outrage, Mystic River will win Best Picture but Sofia Coppola will share the best Director Oscar with Peter Jackson, and Dennis Kucinich will pull off an astounding upset in the New Hampshire Primary.

I Go to the YMCA

Yesterday I decided to go to the gym for the first time in about fourth months.
I went with some regularity for about a year, but then I started working more hours a week and went less frequently. Then I broke my foot and didn't go at all.
Yesterday the forecast said snow, and I thought, "I always hate interacting with people at the Y, this would be a good day to go. The snow in the forecast will keep everyone at home, and I'll have the treadmills and weight machines to myself."
To the contrary, the Y was really crowded. I couldn't get a treadmill, so, fighting a strong urge to leave, I used the weight machines. And the very first machine I was on this woman came up and asked if she could use the machine between my sets. She was very nice, and I did as she asked. When she was done she thanked me, and I thought, "That wasn't so bad. Maybe I was being silly."
I felt so good about this positive interaction that later when I saw a kid standing by my machine looking awkward I asked him, "Are you waiting for this one? I could let you use it between my sets?" He shook his head no, but I felt good anyway. The awkwardness was his and not mine.
I moved on to anther machine, one where you lay on your back and push up with your legs. As I began to do my thing, an older man, balding but with a ponytail and very muscular, walked by. "You know, you could probably add 45 to each side there and not even feel it," he said.
"Uhm. I just broke my foot recently, and I was scared that I might, uh, you know."
"Oh, yeah I was thinking you might say something like that, cause that's an unusually low amount of weight on that machine. But that's cool, that'll help your foot," and walked away, flexing in the mirror, stopping to ask another fairly thick man for a spot.
I got up, wiped down the machine, and left.

Freaky Deaky

"I recently read an Elmore Leonard novel called "Freaky Deaky." It tells the touching story of young Fritz Goldstein, a Jewish man living in Poland in the early 1940's.
'What the thing is is that you're going to Buchenwald, Jew-boy.' says a blonde SS officer early in the book, effectively summing up the book's two major themes: the unpleasantness of death in a concentration camp and the transcendence of pain through cool dialogue. "

That's from an e-mail I sent last year. I like my own jokes way too much, and I'll go through my old e-mails and laugh for half an hour at my own wit, such as it is. Here's another one I just re-read and liked:

"I've decided what I'm going to grad school for. My thesis is going to be titled 'Blood on the Ice: The Role of the Inuit in Hitler's Weltanschaung.'"

Retards

The other day at work I was talking to my coworker, Alicia (and here I would like to say that when I mention a person in my blog I use their actual name. I do not change it to protect them, and Alicia's last name is Ward. If you want to you can probably find out her phone number with a Richmond phone book. Or on the internet, who knows).
Alicia is a nice woman in her fifties, and she has lots of diseases. Fibromyalgia for example. She has doctor's notes that get her out of all kinds of stuff- closing more than one night a week, covering breaks in the cafe, lifting heavy boxes, ad infinitum.
So I was talking to her, specifically about a new bargain sticker the company is using. The company is using the sticker in a really confusing way, and here I mean that they made it known that it was for bargain books only, and then they put it on non-bargain books. Being in charge of the bargain books at my store, I get this question a lot.
"Hey Andrew, is this book one of yours?"
"Nope. Scan it to be sure."
"Well gee, that's confusing. Why'd they do it that way?"
On this particular occaison I chose to answer that last question with-
"Because the company is run by a pack of retards."
Then I thought for a moment about how a woman my mother's age might respond to this, and corrected myself.
"Maybe I shouldn't say 'retards.' Let's call them 'morons.'" I smiled winningly.
"As the mother of a mentally handicapped man I am offended by both," said Alicia. She likes to be self-righteous. Of course I was "so sorry," and really couldn't "believe I said that," and "it's just a funny thing to call someone, you know?"

Later I would ask Alicia what sort of name it would be appropriate to call a stupid person, and she at last admitted that she could raise no objection to "dumbass."

I have changed the name of my blog to "Quilt Enthusiast." The name "Quilting Enthusiast" implied an interest in the manufacture of quilts, but my interest is primarily in the quilts themselves and thus the new, and more accurate, name.

It occured to me that I should maybe post the President's reply. Here it is:

Thank you for emailing President Bush. Your ideas and comments are very
important to him.

For up-to-date information about the President and his policies, please check
the White House web site at www.whitehouse.gov.

Unfortunately, because of the large volume of email received, the President
cannot personally respond to each message. However, the White House staff
considers and reports citizen ideas and concerns.

Again, thank you for your email. Your interest in the work of President Bush
and his administration is appreciated.

Sincerely,
The White House Office of E-Correspondence