Puritan indeed.

This is exactly what I should have said to the woman behind the counter at Puritan Cleaners on Robinson when I was there Monday. What I actually said was something the long the lines of "That's too bad, thanks for your time." Manners may be classy, but they're rarely fun.

Ma'am, please do not look at me like that. I am not insane. What I have asked you to do is very reasonable, considering that you operate a dry cleaners. Where else would you suggest I go with a pair of vomit-encrusted tuxedo pants? It's not as if I am capable of cleaning them myself. This is lucky for you, because it keeps you in business.
Perhaps you think I should just discard the pants-- write them off as a loss. Well, I am sure that even though you most likely do not own a tuxedo yourself, you recognize that they are not cheap. Perhaps with the lavish income you make here at Puritan Cleaners you feel okay casually throwing away expensive garments that get a little vomit on them, but I am not in that sort of financial position.

Perhaps your expression is one of moral judgement-- you understand my need to save the pants, but are appalled by the picture that vomit on tuxedo pants paints in your mind. You imagine some sort of depraved bacchanal, with booze pouring freely early in the evening, vomit flowing freely at its end. Well. I would hope that you might remember that this past Thursday night was New Year's Eve. Many people host fancy parties on New Year's Eve, parties with dress codes, and yes, most of these people serve alcohol. And yes, I overindulged at one such party, ending up on the floor of a bathroom where I got vomit on my pants. Perhaps this is all foreign to you, you don't understand it, and you feel comfortable making a moral judgment of me based on this one piece of information. That is fine as long as you keep such thoughts to yourself. Making nasty faces at a customer is immensely unprofessional, and if you hope to run any sort of a successful business you should probably refrain from so openly judging your clientele.

Finally, after glaring at me, you tell me you cannot clean my pants. You say they pose a danger to you, that they possibly contain "airborne pathogens, and stuff like that." Your expression, not mine. You say these potential pathogens mean you are not allowed to take my pants. It's forbidden, and out of your control.
Well, then now it would be my turn to question your sanity. You work at a dry cleaners. I can only imagine the many disgusting things that are brought to you for cleaning on a daily basis, and I have to think that vomit is on the tamer end of the spectrum. Airborne pathogens? Forgive me ma'am, but that sounds like bullshit. I wish you could have done me the courtesy of at least being honest. In an alternate world where you are not a judgmental phony I might have brought you my pants, and instead of this airborne pathogens nonsense you would have said, "Oh gross, I'm sorry. I don't want to deal with that. We don't send our cleaning out, we do it here, and I don't personally want to deal with vomit-encrusted pants. Sorry. Maybe the cleaners down the road could help you?" And although I would have questioned your work ethic, I would respect it a lot more than that stupid sneering face you just made at me.

Now good evening to you, I need to go spread some negative word-of-mouth.

Puritan Cleaners is located on the 200 block of Robinson Street in the Fan, between Grove and Hanover.