This is why we need to fund the arts.

What can anyone hope to add? I guess it's good to note that even though in this photo you can't see all the angles, there is supposedly a baby coming out on the other end. No shit.

Memory of the Midlothian Public Library

Yesterday's Internet Movie Database movie of the day was Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, starring Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor.

When I was in high school I couldn't afford to rent movies, so I borrowed them from the local public library, which had a decent selection and was free. One day as I picked out an episode of A&E's Poirot, I overheard a girl in braces ask her mother about Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
"That's a musical," her mother said, "Your father and I saw it once when we visited Aunt Sally. It was so sad though, let's get something else."
"I'm sorry," said I, poking my head around the corner in an honest attempt to be helpful, "but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is actually a movie adaptation of a play by Tennessee Williams. I think you have mistaken it for Fiddler on the Roof, the classic Broadway musical about Russian Jews and a patriarch's struggle to accept change. But their both depressing- Ha!"
I don't know if I expected the mother to thank me for correcting her, but I certainly didn't expect the angry stare she gave me. Quickly I went back to looking at the television section. From there I could hear her a moment later, voice full of irritation and sarcasm, explain to her daughter that The Wizard of Oz was about a bank heist and that The Prime of Ms Jean Brodie starred Clint Eastwood, daring me to say something.

As Promised, Annie.

Courtney Marlowe strolled into her old Barnes & Noble with a large Ukrop's bag in one hand and fury in her heart. She headed straight to the children's department.
Overhead she heard Jenny Scharrar's pleasant voice welcoming everyone to attend storytime.
"Today we're reading stories about Spring! Maybe we'll have a visit from Harry the adorable Easter chick! In our children's department in five minutes!"
As she walked through the store shelvers waved to Courtney.
"Hey girl, how's the new job?!" they called out, but she ignored them.
She strode purposefully into the children's department, and waited for storytime to begin. As the children came in, loud and irritating as ever, the anger inside her began to bubble up to the surface. Her face twisted with rage. Just as Jenny came in leading a small bookseller in a baby chicken suit, Courtney snapped. She opened her bag, and brought out a couple hundred dollars worth of sushi, some yellowtail, some eel, but mostly spicy tuna. She grabbed four pieces and crammed them into the mouth of the nearest child, who instantly started screaming, pieces of rice and raw fish spraying everywhere as she sobbed. People froze as Courtney moved through the throng, stuffing sushi into kids mouths. Several mothers bolted for the exit, leaving their children behind.
Everywhere children were bawling and spitting sushi. Several boys swallowed theirs and began running around telling everyone how good it was.
Jenny paged "MANAGER 1 TO THE CHILDREN' DEPARTMENT!" and moments later Paula dashed in. Jenny briefed her, and she stepped in to handle things.
"Courtney, if you don't leave now I am calling the police. And you are banned. For life."
Courtney crammed a large wad of wasabi paste up Paula's nose.
Leaving Paula sobbing on the floor, she turned, threw her remaining rolls at a few select parents, and ran out of the store as fast as she could. Nobody's sure, but it sounded like she yelled "SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS" as she went.

Annie-
Sorry I couldn't honor your request to make Courtney naked in this story-- it would have been too over the top.

Have a suggestion for a story? Requests may be sent to aever2hd@hotmail.com, or posted as a comment.

Who Says UC Berkley is Politically Biased?

Check out the results of this study, carried out over the last twenty years at UC Berkley, with results just published in Journal of Research Into Personality. Maybe it is biased, maybe it doesn't really mean anything, but it's a lot of fun.

Sometimes Stealing is Accidental

I often wonder how much of what I write is original work and how much of it is the regurgitation of jokes, stories, ideas, phrases, etc. that I read in the past and forgot about.
Just now I was talking to a friend and made a joke about "finishing the internet." I liked this well enough that I briefly considered writing a brief post wherein I would finish the internet and discuss what I learned. But something seemed off, somehow familiar.
So I googled "finished the internet" and came up with about 800 hits. It turns out my joke came from a commercial, I can't remember what for-- possibly digital Cable, possibly car insurance.

My Influences
Woody Allen
E. B. White
P. G. Wodehouse
The Geico lizard

Malcolm Gladwell/ Bill Simmons / That infernal Santino

These past few months I have been living without cable, and while it has been liberating in a lot ways, the primary result has been an upswing in the amount of time I spend on the internet. Sunday afternoons wasted on marathons of Project Runway have made way for Sunday afternoons wasted at Slate and ESPN.com.
ESPN.com is pretty much just that, a waste, with the notable exception of Bill Simmons, whose column is smart and entertaining and full of fun pop culture references that help me feel better when I don't know what third rate basketball player he is talking about.
Yesterday Mr. Simmons posted a lengthy interview with Malcolm Gladwell which has changed my life in ways both small and large: On the small side of things I plan to go buy "Blink" this weekend. On the large side, I now feel that I understand my lack of motivation to achieve anything with what God/genetics/my surroundings (depending on your views) have given me.

Malcolm Gladwell: Why don't people work hard when it's in their best interest to do so?
The (short) answer is that it's really risky to work hard, because then if you fail you can no longer say that you failed because you didn't work hard. It's a form of self-protection. I swear that's why [Phil] Mickelson has that almost absurdly calm demeanor. If he loses, he can always say: Well, I could have practiced more, and maybe next year I will and I'll win then. When Tiger [Woods] loses, what does he tell himself? He worked as hard as he possibly could. He prepared like no one else in the game and he still lost. That has to be devastating, and dealing with that kind of conclusion takes a very special and rare kind of resilience. Most of the psychological research on this is focused on why some kids don't study for tests -- which is a much more serious version of the same problem. If you get drunk the night before an exam instead of studying and you fail, then the problem is that you got drunk. If you do study and you fail, the problem is that you're stupid -- and stupid, for a student, is a death sentence. The point is that it is far more psychologically dangerous and difficult to prepare for a task than not to prepare. People think that Tiger is tougher than Mickelson because he works harder. Wrong: Tiger is tougher than Mickelson and because of that he works harder.
The rest of the interview may be found here and I encourage you to go read it. And check out the rest of Mr. Simmons work while you;re there; it's all first-rate . Much better than Bravo programming to be sure.