A Spirited Re-Imagining of the American Civil War

I come to you today from the breakroom at Barnes and Noble, via my co-worker Kristi's laptop and the cafe's WIFI internet connection, which Kristi pays for by the month rather than by the hour, thus rendering it affordable enough to share. She's a generous soul.

I recently decided that my blog is growing stale, and have since been thinking of ways I might revitalize it. To that end, I have decided to introduce a regular feature to my blog-- a book club, like Oprah's but with no impact on publishing whatsoever. Every week or so I will highlight a new book that I decide is somehow worthwhile, and then sit back and watch as everyone continues to ignore it.
I plan to start out featuring commercial black authors, your Zanes, your Sister Souljahs, your Nikki Turners, your what have you, and then plum the uncharted depths of contemporary Christian fiction. From there, who knows.
My first selection is called Crunk, a book one co-worker of mine was so offended by that he suggested it was written by the devious propaganda wing of the Ku Klux Klan.

Crunk: a Novel by Tariq, Rudd, and Jones.
ISBN 0972800549
www.blackpearlbooks.com

I would like to stress that what follows is a real advertisement for a real book that is really for sale at my store. Call 804-282-0781 for details.

Imagine a Thug-World divided by the Mason-Dixon Line......
After the brutal murder of four NYC gangstas in Charlotte, the climate is set for an all-out Thug Civil War - North pitted against South!
Rah-Rah, leader of NYC's underworld and KoKo, head of one of the Durty South's most ferocious Crunk-crews are on a collision course to destruction. While Rah-Rah tries to rally his northern Thugdom (Philly, NJ, NY), KoKo attempts to saddleup heads of the southern Hoodville (Atlanta, South Carolina & Charlotte).
Kendra and Janeen, a southern sister-duo of self-proclaimed baddest bitches, conduct a make-shift Thug Academy to prepare KoKo's VA-bred cousin (Shine) to infiltrate NYC's underground, as a secret weapon to the impending battle.
The US government, well-aware of the upcoming war, takes a backseat role, not totally against the idea that a war of this magnitude might actual do what the Government has been unable to do with thousands of life sentences-- rid society completely of the dangerous element associated with the Underground-World.
Suspensefully-Sexy, Erotically-Ghetto and Mysteriously-Raw. CRUNK will have you saying Hmmmmmmmm?

"Get ready for a wild and sexy ride! Twists and turns are abundant! An instant urban classic thriller! Tariq, Rudd & Jones are definitely some BAD BOYZ! Err'body gettin' CRUNK!"
The author of this last quote was not provided, but I like to imagine that it was Michiko Kakutani.

Chief Justice Rehnquist Assassinated by Karl Rove?

One of the things that makes having a blog fun is tracking how many people read my posts. If you scroll down to the bottom of the page you'll see a little icon that says "Site Meter." Clicking on it will take you to the website that tracks my internet traffic for free. Using this site I am able to see how many people read my blog every day, how long it takes them, and what link brought them here. Furthermore, if they happened to come here via a search with Google or some other web browser, Site Meter lets me see what search they performed. Over the last few months I have compiled a list of some of the web browser searches that have led strangers to my blog.

- "I work at Barnes and Noble"
- Weinmareiner (they meant weimaraner)
- Terry Bradshaw
- Wacky Wicca
- Rage Kindelsperger (the head of bargain books at Barnes and Noble's corporate headquarters)
- lesbian licking
- Philadelphia Eagles quilt
- Roger Ebert interracial wife
- Dawson’s Quilt
- Dawson's Creek Quilt
- Cold Stone Creamery
- "Shave beard off"
- Cocksucker
- Roger Ebert’s Wife
- Macho Man McSweeney’s
- "Roger Ebert’s" "wife is black"
- "Language on Deadwood"
- Roger Ebert’s wife
- The top ten reasons to be Catholic
- “University of Mary Washington deck chairs”
- "I go to the YMCA"
- angry sealions
- Karrine Steffans

Perhaps you noticed how frequently Roger Ebert's wife was mentioned. Even more popular recently has been Karrine Steffans, who I listed here only once but has led roughly a dozen people to my site since I mentioned her name two weeks ago.
This Mrs. Ebert/Karrine Steffans phenomenon finally awakened me to the way the internet really works: when you talk about something a lot of people are interested in it results in higher web traffic. People don't want to hear about what some crazy person at Barnes and Noble did or what I think of Werner Herzog. They want to find out that the Video Vixen is currently dating Bill Maher, and that Roger Ebert has a raging case of jungle fever.
Hence the title for this post.
Is it possible that Karl Rove had Chief Justice William Rehnquist murdered to distract from the catastrophe on the Gulf Coast and so that the President could further reshape the Supreme Court? Perhaps. Do I believe that? Of course not, but I do think that posting wild conspiracy theories about popular national media topics will result in higher traffic for my site, which I don't mind telling you has been lagging. Here now a list of other things designed to boost my prominence in the blogosphere:

- The Rock: Gay and secretly dating Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's Kyan Douglas?
- Kanye West: Bid for the White House in 2008?
- Hermione Granger: Pregnant with Ron's baby in book seven?
- Wolf Blitzer: "These people are very poor, and very black."