Has-Been Celebrities and the People Who Date Them

When you sign-in to Hotmail they have all kinds of crazy headlines posted for you to look at.
"Kidman's Love Life Stalls" it might say. Or "Koala's Face Extinction." Maybe "Michael Moore's Shocking Speech," or "10 Ways You Can Get a Tan Safely."
They're the sort of short, eye-catching, incredibly stupid one-liners that are all over our culture, particularly in promo spots for TV news broadcasts and on magazine covers, little tastes of the empty mass-produced crap inside. Hotmail is where I notice them the most, and I have been keeping a list of their best headlines over the last year or so.

Man shoots self in groin.

When stars buy real estate.

Improve your sex appeal.

Could you have a stroke on Monday?

Did Nicole turn down Jacko?

Oprah’s name: a mistake?

Quiz: Why are you still single?

Should You Marry a Fixer-Upper?

What was Ashton’s major?

Donald Trump, the fragrance?

Why do I intimidate men?

Which Disney princess are you?

Has-Been Celebrities and the People Who Date Them.

This last one particularly resonated with me, and although I didn't click on the link to find out more, it did start me thinking about which has-been celebrities I would date. I was going to put up a list, but I couldn't think of many has-been celebrities. My list had one name on it.

1. Phoebe Cates

Other has-been celebrites that I thought of were either gross (Gennifer Flowers, Kirstie Alley, Roseanne), or male (Bjorn Bjorg, Kirk Cameron, Tony Danza). I also had a hard time knowing whether to consider someone based on how they look now or how they looked when they were a celebrity. Elizabeth Taylor now and Elizabeth Taylor circa 1960 are two very different things.

To respond to several of the other headlines--
I'm sure the real estate is attractive and that the stars pay a lot for it.

Were my sex appeal to increase even slightly it would be disastrous, as packs of screaming girls would no doubt chase me everywhere trying to tear my clothes off. I would have to quit my job, and unable to find another position would likely end up trading on that very sex appeal with which I was cursed, spending the rest of my life as a high-priced gigolo to the stars. Stars including, perhaps, the aforementioned Ms. Cates.

[deleted easy joke about Nicole Kidman not being a little boy]

I guess it's possible that Donald Trump could smell good. [Perhaps you wonder why I made a show of avoiding an easy joke a moment ago only to turn around and make one here. Who knows. I am fickle.]

I see myself as a combination of Jasmine's eyes, Snow White's complexion, and Ariel's sassy, rebellious attitude.